Improve your Sex Life.
It was during the fifth or sixth pint that the discussion I was having with my best mate Albert arrived at sex. The two of us have a wonderful, honest relationship; the type I once had with my wife.
“How’s your sex life these days Roy?” He asked.
“Hopeless, I can’t seem to arouse her anymore; she no longer finds me a mystery.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure; I bet she’s wondering where the fuck you are now, we only came in for one.”
“She’ll know exactly where I am, like I said, I can’t surprise her anymore.”
“Roy! With both your kids married and gone, you should be having the time of your lives, bending her over the back of the settee, taking her on the kitchen floor.”
“Nowadays, the only place I take her is the chemist to get her prescriptions.”
“Are you up to date with all the latest seduction techniques?”
“Techniques? They never change, a few lagers topped up with a couple of brandies and the knickers are practically off.”
“Naw, naw naw; those days are long gone, you need to use that bodyism thing these days.”
“Bodyism! What the fuck’s bodyism?”
“Blimey! You are out of touch. Bodyism is where you take their knickers off and belt their bum until its red raw.”
“Charlie! Is that beer getting to you?”
“I’m telling you, it’s the latest thing, it’s all down to that woman whose hair turned grey when she was 50.”
“Why what happened?”
“Well, as she was feeling depressed about turning fifty and the colour of her hair, one of those posh city blokes parked his Rolls Royce behind her, not seeing it she accidently stepped back and her bum landed right on top of his ‘Spirit of Ecstasy’. That was it, it drove her wild, she can’t stop craving sex now.”
“I still don’t understand it all.” I had to admit I was lost.
“Don’t you see it was the bang on her ass, it was as significant as when that first woman burnt her bra because her nipple was hurting, another piece of history in the making.”
“You’re forgetting something; I haven’t got a fucking Rolls Royce.”
“You don’t need one you can belt them with anything; that ‘Spirit of Ecstasy’ just acted as the spark, like when that apple fell on George Washington’s head and he started inventing things.”
“Let me get this right, you’re saying if you belt a womans ass it will make her so horny that she will want sex all the time.”
“You can take my word for it, in fact if you are planning on doing so I would strongly advise you to purchase some Viagra.”
“That good eh? Well I do have to call at the chemist; I don’t feel too embarrassed asking for Viagra when I’ve had a few beers.”
It was some time later when I stumbled home.
“Where the fuck have you been, I hope you remembered my prescription.”
My wife’s voice seemed to be lacking her usual gentle feminine charm, but armed with my new carnival knowledge I was ready to re-sweep her off her feet. All I had to do was bide my time, be my cool self. After spending half an hour or so calling me a drunken bastard, she eventually went upstairs for her evening bath. I waited until I could hear the water running and see steam beneath the door. I took the lengthy bamboo supporting the rubber plant and crept in; it was perfect, she was naked and bending directly over the bath testing the water.
“So what happened then?” Albert asked in the pub a few days later.
“Well I’d overlooked something; her latest prescription was for the blisters on her ass cheeks.”
“Oh yeah, when she was sunbathing in the garden and you spilt the boiling coffee on her.”
“Well I managed to get one stroke in, I made sure it was really hard for full arousal, and believe me it aroused her alright. She grabbed me by the balls and literally threw me through the air.”
“The black eye?” Albert asked pointing.
“On the door handle on my way down.”
“I’ve given you the wrong advice Roy, your wife is what’s known as a massacarist, do you want me to explain about them?”
“I don’t think I’ll bother Albert: although I’m really pleased you and your wife are enjoying this smacking of the ass stuff.”
“Oh I’ve never tried it yet, I thought it would be wise to see how you got on first.”
“Quite sensible Albert, and what I should have mentioned the other day, our wives have not just turned fifty and they don’t have grey hair, so maybe that was a factor?”
“That’s it, it’s so obvious Roy, you’ve belted her a couple of years too early, you better hang on to that bamboo.”
“I will, in the meantime see if you can find someone who can put this Viagra to good use.”
