Shelfari: Book reviews on your book blog

55, 55, 55,

Austin Briggs has been running a great contest on his sight for quite sometime. The rules say you must write a story of fifty-five words or less (non-negotiable), excluding the title. It must have a setting, at least one character, some conflict and a resolution (Not limited to moral of the story).

The title is not part of the overall word count, but it can not exceed seven words. This is the link to his site where I am sure he will make you welcome.

http://austinbriggs.com/

Regarding writers I think this is one of the most interesting competitions around on the net. There are prizes to be won, would you believe $55 dollars for the winner? Although I would strongly advise that you visit Austin's site to find out exactly what they are and the criteria.

The contest takes place once a month and for the month of November the theme is 'Fantasy'. Due to my incompetence I mistimed my entry, so I am putting it here as a way of adding to my blog.

Every Vote Counts.

‘Lines haven’t stopped, viewers love it. Hanging, electric-chair, lethal injection, we’re adding beheading next time. Sponsors want you live with your preference; it may influence votes.

“Warden, any news? My appeal?”

‘Guards and I could become household names; top writers are writing your final words.’

“I’m not guilty.”

‘Stay calm, pretend the cameras aren’t there.

Improve Your Sex Life.

Improve your Sex Life.

It was during the fifth or sixth pint that the discussion I was having with my best mate Albert arrived at sex. The two of us have a wonderful, honest relationship; the type I once had with my wife.

“How’s your sex life these days Roy?” He asked.

“Hopeless, I can’t seem to arouse her anymore; she no longer finds me a mystery.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure; I bet she’s wondering where the fuck you are now, we only came in for one.”

“She’ll know exactly where I am, like I said, I can’t surprise her anymore.”

“Roy! With both your kids married and gone, you should be having the time of your lives, bending her over the back of the settee, taking her on the kitchen floor.”

“Nowadays, the only place I take her is the chemist to get her prescriptions.”

“Are you up to date with all the latest seduction techniques?”

“Techniques? They never change, a few lagers topped up with a couple of brandies and the knickers are practically off.”

“Naw, naw naw; those days are long gone, you need to use that bodyism thing these days.”

“Bodyism! What the fuck’s bodyism?”

“Blimey! You are out of touch. Bodyism is where you take their knickers off and belt their bum until its red raw.”

“Charlie! Is that beer getting to you?”

“I’m telling you, it’s the latest thing, it’s all down to that woman whose hair turned grey when she was 50.”

“Why what happened?”

“Well, as she was feeling depressed about turning fifty and the colour of her hair, one of those posh city blokes parked his Rolls Royce behind her, not seeing it she accidently stepped back and her bum landed right on top of his ‘Spirit of Ecstasy’. That was it, it drove her wild, she can’t stop craving sex now.”

“I still don’t understand it all.” I had to admit I was lost.

“Don’t you see it was the bang on her ass, it was as significant as when that first woman burnt her bra because her nipple was hurting, another piece of history in the making.”

“You’re forgetting something; I haven’t got a fucking Rolls Royce.”

“You don’t need one you can belt them with anything; that ‘Spirit of Ecstasy’ just acted as the spark, like when that apple fell on George Washington’s head and he started inventing things.”

“Let me get this right, you’re saying if you belt a womans ass it will make her so horny that she will want sex all the time.”

“You can take my word for it, in fact if you are planning on doing so I would strongly advise you to purchase some Viagra.”

“That good eh? Well I do have to call at the chemist; I don’t feel too embarrassed asking for Viagra when I’ve had a few beers.”

It was some time later when I stumbled home.

“Where the fuck have you been, I hope you remembered my prescription.”

My wife’s voice seemed to be lacking her usual gentle feminine charm, but armed with my new carnival knowledge I was ready to re-sweep her off her feet. All I had to do was bide my time, be my cool self. After spending half an hour or so calling me a drunken bastard, she eventually went upstairs for her evening bath. I waited until I could hear the water running and see steam beneath the door. I took the lengthy bamboo supporting the rubber plant and crept in; it was perfect, she was naked and bending directly over the bath testing the water.

“So what happened then?” Albert asked in the pub a few days later.

“Well I’d overlooked something; her latest prescription was for the blisters on her ass cheeks.”

“Oh yeah, when she was sunbathing in the garden and you spilt the boiling coffee on her.”

“Well I managed to get one stroke in, I made sure it was really hard for full arousal, and believe me it aroused her alright. She grabbed me by the balls and literally threw me through the air.”

“The black eye?” Albert asked pointing.

“On the door handle on my way down.”

“I’ve given you the wrong advice Roy, your wife is what’s known as a massacarist, do you want me to explain about them?”

“I don’t think I’ll bother Albert: although I’m really pleased you and your wife are enjoying this smacking of the ass stuff.”

“Oh I’ve never tried it yet, I thought it would be wise to see how you got on first.”

“Quite sensible Albert, and what I should have mentioned the other day, our wives have not just turned fifty and they don’t have grey hair, so maybe that was a factor?”

“That’s it, it’s so obvious Roy, you’ve belted her a couple of years too early, you better hang on to that bamboo.”

“I will, in the meantime see if you can find someone who can put this Viagra to good use.”

I Attack.

People quite rightly have their own ideas about what is sometimes called the 'Unknown'. The unknown in this case refers to voices, figures and actions not caused by people living on this planet. I do not pretend to have knowledge which could be construed clear evidence of afterlife. However, I have experienced, as have many people, things which I could not rationally explain.

It is a compelling subject which has millions totally conviced that there either is or is not any sort of afterlife. With such a wide divide of opinion between massive numbers of people it is understandable that equally as many take middle ground. In fact if there was a linnear scale of belief for the subject you would find someone on every point.

This is the only story I have ever written which touches on the subject, and I have not claimed expertise. I think it is an entertaing story which hopefully readers will enjoy, regardless of their position on the scale of belief.

It can be found on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008JFTDOC

Three Comedy Stories.

I simply love to look at the cover of this book, and it is nothing to do with sexual attraction. It is my flagship; the only book I have written which sells on a regular basis. It helps ease the pain caused by the lack of sales from my other seventeen e-books. Each month it easily outsells all my others combined, doubled and multiplied by the area of a Kindle.

Not that it has made me lots of money as it only costs 99c, but the fact is without it I would not have made any. So the cover along with the three short silly stories inside it will always be very special to me. The strange thing is I never intended them to go together; they were each written as short comedy stories.

However, they were each far too short to sell individualy so I thought why not stick them together. I have discovered people either hate them or love them it is that kind of humour. They are classed as erotica simply because they contain sexual words and acts, but I definitely consider them to be funny sex comedies.

It can be found here http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0057ZF922

Such a Spoilsport.

I have just arrived back home from Crown Court and they liked me so much they have asked me to write for them which is great. I must go back in a few weeks to receive my sentence, it must be one of those introductory line things.

Anyway, the reason I was there in the first place was all because of a miserable young lady. I had found myself standing on a bus holding onto a support bar which was directly next to where the young lady was seated. Now I did not mind standing on the bus at all, no qualms whatsoever. However, every time the bus turned or jolted which was very often, I could not prevent my crotch from pushing itself into her face.

After it had happened six or seven times she pressed the bell and asked the driver to call the police, claiming I was sexually harassing her. They duly arrived and after arresting me suggested I should call a lawyer. I told him exactly what had happened and he had every sympathy for me. In fact his very words were "You would have gotten away with it if there had not been fifteen empty seats.

Lottery Hell

When I won the lottery I thought all my problems had been solved. I had no idea that £12 m. could be the cause of so such mental stress. Upon winning my advisors suggested that I should enjoy, but not waste my fortune. Little did I know that it would be only days before I would be forced to face my first agonising decision.

Having won my vast amount on a Saturday, Wednesday had arrived in what seemed only a blink of an eye. There had been no time to consider whether I should play the lottery again, I began to panic. With my mind racing I could not make a rational choice so I took a huge gamble and decided to play. I should have known better, I never won a single penny.

This has gone on for almost three months now, twice a week I keep on playing. I did win a further £10, but overall since my huge win I am over £20 down. Some people have won the lottery twice, but I know I am not that lucky. I know stopping is the correct thing to do, but I keep on wasting my money with the words of the advisers ringing in my head.

I am now worrying about Christmas and the extra dilemmas it will bring. In the past I have never bought a round of drinks for my friends, so if I start then will they think I am rubbing my money in their faces? It is exactly the same predicament with the window cleaner, milkman and paper boy. If I tip them now for the first time will they then tell my neighbors I am acting like a flash show off??

Sometimes I wish I could just have my pound back and that somebody else had won. However, I could not be that selfish as to burden other people with my problems.I will soldier on as best I can with the weight of my money an ever increasing burden. My chauffeur does the lottery and I sometimes worry that he if he wins he will leave me. It is exactly the same worry with my cleaner and au pair, I can only pray that they do not win, I could not go through the pressure of finding new staff.These are only an indication of the unforeseen pitfalls that lay in wait for wealthy chaps like me.

So if you are doing the lottery make contingency plans now so you will be prepared if you are cursed with a win. I am sure I am suffering from wealth health and I would not wish it on my worst enemy, never mind poor people.